Dude looks like a lady
by waveangel
Summary: yeah...i suck at these things...ummm...read if you want to see Orochimaru put waaay out his comfort zone...or if you want to hear me rip into him, either way. i do explain this in the first chap
1. Chapter 1

Wave angel: so...I was going to put this as a one-shot in the middle of my other Naruto fic...and then I realised just how much fun I could have with this idea! Yeah, so, this is what happens when Orochimaru makes idiotic mistakes at stupid times. You could also call it how Orochimaru became gay.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything (except maybe this idea)!! Please don't hurt me!!

**New body please!!!!!**

Orochimaru had finally found the secret to everlasting life. It wasn't Botox, or plastic surgery, or Avon Anew make up, nor was it whatever Tsunade does to stay young. And no, it wasn't getting bitten by a shparkly vampire. Although he _had_ toyed with that idea for a while; before he realised that being all shparkly would just ruin his street cred, plus everyone would just have to follow the fan-girls to track him, which was _not_ a good thing.

No, just like his fellow snake-lover, Voldemort, Orochimaru's secret lay with the soul. No, it wasn't making horcruxes. Orochimaru liked having _his_ soul all in one place-preferablely as together as possible- since this would make it a.) Easier to defend and b.) Easier to keep an eye on.

No, he wasn't going to use his super-science knowledge to pickle his brain while he used futuristic technology to build a robotic body for himself.

You want to know Orochimaru's secret to living forever?

Tough...you can't, it's _secret._

Only kidding. His secret to everlasting life was to steal other people's bodies, and transplant _his_ soul into them so _he_ was in control (exactly where he likes to be).

Naturally, there were a few small side effects, such as a change in the tastes in food, his dress sense (which was never really changed _that_ much, this is the man who wears a rope for a belt because it looks "retro"-his thoughts, not my own- for god's sake, you'd think having many different bodies would give him dress sense), etc.

He figured that this was because the mind/soul moulded itself to fit the body, like water in a jug, to make it fit easier. This moulding wasn't much though, especially in weak minded people who willingly _gave_ their bodies to him.

Orochimaru stretched in his new body, as the one he'd just left disintegrated. _That_ was the other minor flaw. After around 3 years, the stolen bodies finally realised his mind/soul was not the one that should be there and rejected him, disintegrating slowly. This happened faster in some more than others. It didn't really matter; there were _always_ more bodies for him to steal.

Oh, and of course there was another _minor_ flaw. He had to wait at least 3 years between switching bodies, for some reason. None of this mattered to the snake-sannin.

Eternal life was what mattered. Eternal life...was forever.

~THREE YEARS LATER~

Orochimaru dodged the attack with relative ease, his opponent hardly having time to register this before he was dead.

Orochimaru felt pretty good about this. He was having fun killing, his minions were having fun killing and pillaging and whatever other common things they were doing; and there were plenty of almost-but-not-quite-dead people still _just_ alive enough for him to experiment with. All in all, not a bad raid!!

And then someone spoiled it by stabbing him from behind, like filthy commoners. Peeved, he turned around and started to kick ass again. This fight lasted a little longer than the last one, since it was against some random ninja person, rather than a commoner whose only previous experience went along the lines of: hey, you looking at me? *smash bottle and waves it threateningly while the other person backs away*- and so on. About halfway through the fight with the ninja, Orochimaru realised that something was wrong. The body was beginning to disintegrate. This was annoying, as it meant that he'd have to start searching for a new one.

His opponent took the opportunity to chop him in half, but he simply used his awesome snakey powers and reattached himself. He winced, that had been harder than it should have been. He'd have to start looking for another new body _as soon as possible_.

Eventually, the fight ended with (big surprise) Orochimaru as the winner. As he had his customary gloat over the ninja's corpse, he felt an odd, unwelcome sensation.

He looked at his hands. Skin flaking off? Check. Injuries refusing to heal at the normal (super-speedy) pace? Check.

He definitely needed a new body...and he needed one NOW.

He looked around. Nope only dead one-

Someone was getting up. Someone who'd only been _playing_ dead. Someone who had their back to him.

He rushed up to them and put his hands on their shoulders.

"Any last requests?"

"Wha-"

He didn't let them finish, he just started the takeover.

Wave angel: ta-da!! Please, let me know what you think...I promise it will get funnier. Orochimaru will be put well out of his comfort zone, I swear. Anyways....R&R!!! please? I happy-time dance when I get reviews.

Greystripe: it's true, she does.


	2. Chapter 2

Wave angel: well...back again...hopefully this chapter will contain a surprise for you all...it was originally called something else...but this makes it slightly more of a surprise, so I will stick with this ^^. It's pretty short compared to how much I usually write...but it's still good, I think.

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!! (Except maybe this idea!!) Please don't hurt me!!**

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The New Body.

Orochimaru opened his eyes and stretched. The new body felt weird. Well, so did _all_ new bodies, to begin with, but this one felt...weird_er_.

He watched impassively as the body he'd just left turned to dust. Briefly, he wondered if there was a way to become a Time Lord; it would definitely be easier to just regenerate. He looked up as a slight noise. One of his minions was picking his way gingerly (literally, he was ginger) through the bodies.

"Well? What do you want? It had better be good news!!" Orochimaru snapped. Changing bodies always made him irritable. The minion looked surprised, he almost fell over.

"_Orochi-sama?"_

"Who does it _look_ like; you incompetent and completely disposable fool?"

"Umm....have...have you changed body?" the minion stammered, looking incredibly shocked and worried, and swallowing with fear (he'd noticed that 'disposable' was in Orochimaru's description of him, after all).

"Well done you!!" Orochimaru said sarcastically, clapping his hands patronisingly. "You've earned a promotion!!"

"Really?" the minion looked hopeful. Orochimaru sighed, honestly, how dense could you get? Why did he even bother employing minions like him? Oh yes, because they were cheap and dumb enough to follow orders blindly.

"I was being sarcastic." The snake-sannin hissed in annoyance.

"Oh..." the minion looked away uncomfortably, and scuffed his feet.

"Was there something you wanted to say?" Orochimaru snapped.

"Well, yeah...I mean yes, Orochi-sama...umm...Orochi-sama?"

"Yes?" he asked exasperatedly, wishing the minion would go away, so he could stretch some more and get used to the body...which for some strange reason _still felt weird_!!

"You look...umm...you look...did you know whose body you'd taken?" the minion ended lamely.

"No. I never know whose body I take, unless it's one of you minions." Orochimaru sneered. He made a point of not learning their names (it told them they were disposable) they didn't expect him to, and since they changed soo often, due to death mainly, there really wasn't much point anyway.

"You _do_ know you're a...a..." the minion made random-looking and vague hand motions over his chest.

"A what?"

"Umm....umm...you're...umm...you're now of the...ummm"

"Well? Spit it out!" Orochimaru growled, narrowing his eyes dangerously.

"You're a-"

A second minion walked into the clearing and grabbed Orochimaru's chest, which was alot bigger than it had been, from behind. He snuggled into Orochimaru's back and continued his grope.

"Boooobies." He said happily.

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Wave angel: there, finished. For how many of you was this ending a surprise? Please R&R to tell me what you thought...for the sake of my imagination and happy time dances....please?


	3. Chapter 3

Wave angel: I would like to take this opportunity to say: I OWN NOTHING!!!!!

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**Oops!!**

Orochimaru froze for a second, before turning and killing the groping minion. He stared down at his chest in horror.

_He'd become a woman?! How had this happened?! _Why_ had this happened?? Why hadn't he checked _before_ the take over??!!_

Nope. No matter how much he stared at them, they weren't getting any smaller. He. Had. Breasts. Ohgod. _Breasts_. Actual, real-life, _breasts_. Orochimaru felt a small hysterical sob building and squashed it immediately. He was Orochimaru, snake sannin and feared by all!! He did NOT sob at silly things like this!! All the same, he wanted to curl up and whimper to himself...that or kill as many people as possible.

_But that would just _ruin_ my nails,_ he thought, then beat himself up mentally. _Stop. Thinking. Like. A. _Woman._ Damn you!!_

He took a deep calming breathe. _It's okay, _he told himself,_ it's fine, everything will be fine...just transform yourself so you look like you again..._

He tried. He failed. Well...his hair went back to its usual style, and his eyes went more snake-like, but both remained very definitely _feminine_. He wanted to cry again, but swallowed it down. He. Did. Not. Cry. It was this body; it was trying to do things on its own!

Angry at himself and the world in general, he whirled on the other, still alive (for now), minion.

"Why didn't you tell me!!!!!!!!!????" he snarled, resisting the urge to screech.

"I...I-I....I w-was t-trying t-to, O-Orochi-sama." The minion stuttered, backing away, painfully aware that death was quite probably imminent.

"Well you didn't make a very good job of it!!" Orochimaru scowled at his minion, unconsciously putting his hands on his hips in a very womanly pose, the overall effect of the scowl and stance even worse than his usual, as it dredged up images of angry female relatives in the minion's mind.

"Umm....I-I w-wasn't s-sure h-how t-to p-put I-it, O-Orochi-sama." The minion whimpered, edging away more and shrinking slightly.

"How about, 'Orochi-sama, you're a woman!'?!!!" The snake-sannin yelled at the unfortunate minion.

"W-well, I..."

Another minion rushed into the clearing, behind Orochimaru. He noticed the hair and rushed forward.

"Orochi-sama!!"

"well _somebody_ had better be dying!!!" Orochimaru spun around to face the new minion, who screeched to a halt and stood gaping...at the snake-sannin's newly acquired breasts.

Orochimaru folded his arms (oh waily, waily!! The crossing of the arms!! [1]) and started tapping his foot (waily waily!! The tapping of the feet!!!), again, unaware that he was making these feminine poses and motions.

Eventually, the new minion stopped gawping and looked Orochimaru in the face, not having to look up as much as he had when Orochimaru was in the last body.

"_Orochi-sama?_"

"Yes?" the snake sannin snapped, irritated.

"You're a..._woman_??"

Orochimaru rolled his eyes.

"Oh dear, it was the breasts that gave me away wasn't it?" he (she?) asked sarcastically.

"Ummm..." the minion stared in amazement, not quite sure how to react without getting killed.

Orochimaru sighed; sarcasm was wasted on these..._idiots_.

"What did you want to say?" he rubbed his temple, feeling a migraine coming on.

"Umm....yes..." the minion shook himself and started to make his report, "the attack....went according to plan...Orochi-sama."

"Right, fine, whatever." Orochimaru waved his hand, not really caring, "gather everyone together and we'll head back." He ordered.

The second minion nodded, dumbstruck, then raced away.

"We'll meet up at the base." Orochimaru told his remaining minion, and then put his hands together and poofed away.

The minion let out the breath he'd been holding; unable to believe he was still alive. He realised too late that he should have become a taxi driver like his mother had wanted, and then he wouldn't have to deal with a psychotic killer everyday...

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Wave angel: ta-da!! Hope this one was more amusing than the last one. Btw, [1] is the nac mac feegles...if you don't read Terry Pratchett that will mean nothing to you...if you do...then aww yeah, the wintersmith!!


	4. Chapter 4

Wave angel: umm...so...I'd just like to clear something up, in case people are confused...this fic is set _before_ Orochimaru steals Sasuke, since if it were set while Sasuke's living with him it would completely throw everything off timeline, and Orochimaru was gay before then so... anyway, this is set just before he leaves the Akatsuki, but he isn't living in the Akatsuki base, for reasons I hope to explain later. Anyways, sorry 'bout that. I did think about changing it, since I could see the potential for some pretty good jokes (at Orochimaru's expense, naturally) but this way it sorta explains why he's so careful about bodies and so on...and also why he's soo obsessed with having Sasuke (ewww!!! XD) um, yeah...** I OWN NOTHING!!!**

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**A delicate situation**

It was later in the day of the raid, and Orochimaru was facing a dilemma unlike any other he'd ever had to face.

He'd tried ignoring it all day, ever since he'd got back, but this wasn't one of those things that would go away if you ignored it (well...I suppose it would...but it would be _extraordinarily_ embarrassing), in fact, it just grew more insistent.

He'd squirmed uncomfortably through a meeting with his higher up minions, unable to find a sitting position that was comfy and didn't increase the urgency of the insistence. After the meeting he'd wandered aimlessly, unable to stand still. Finally, he realised that he could not put it off any longer. He _had_ to face it.

When no-one was looking, he slipped into a bathroom. As he fumbled with the belt on the trousers he did the, universally known, I-need-to-pee shuffle. Belt undone it was a matter of moments before the trousers were down too. He was glad the trousers didn't have a million buttons, the need really was _urgent_ now.

Orochimaru paused after the trousers. Okay, he _knew _the underwear was next...but what about after _that_? Naturally, he knew women were anatomically different to men, and he'd always wondered about what they looked like under their clothes, but he'd never done anything to find out. Being in a team with Tsunade and Jiraya, and –mainly- seeing her reactions to Jiraya's ogling of anything with long hair and breasts had put him off. Well, no-one _wants_ to be on the receiving end of a chakra-infused super-punch from an irate Tsunade, not even snake-sannin Orochimaru.

_Right, _Orochimaru decided, _you are a sannin, a ninja, you've faced bigger problems than this...how hard can it be? _Giving himself an inner pep talk, Orochimaru removed the underwear, _Come on, you big wuss; take the bull by the horns!_

_Ah. Or not as this case may be._ He reviewed after the underwear was down, _ummm...._

_What now?_

For the first time in probably his whole life, Orochimaru was stumped. Never before had he been in a situation where he actually had _no idea how to proceed_! As much as he hated to admit it, what he really wanted right now was help.

But help would mean showing weakness, something he couldn't afford to show his minions. Orochimaru sighed, right now, what he really wanted (other than a pee) was a _really _loyal minion, one he knew -without very little doubt- would not stab in while he slept, one who wouldn't betray him at the first sign of weakness...

Orochimaru shook his head, what the hell was happening to him? Thinking like _that_ was dangerous. Things like _that_ made you dependent on other people and _that_ just made you _weak_.

He had to change thought track again, okay, he _really, really _needed to pee now.

What to do, what to do? _Okay, think logically_, he told himself, _no little Orochi so...what?_

He wanted to burst into tears of shear frustration and annoyance at himself. Again. For the second time that day.

Orochimaru sat on the toilet, annoyed, and suddenly the body did what it needed to do. However, Orochimaru was so relieved, he did not realise this until later...

~oOo~

_Okay, so one problem down, one more to go._

He'd been sat here for at least a minute, pummelling his blank mind for an answer that wouldn't come. Someone knocked on the door impatiently.

"Hey! Have you finished in there or have you fell down the toilet? There's a queue starting out here!"

Orochimaru gaped at the door in shock, how _dare_ they speak like that to him! Didn't they know who was in here?

Oh...right...no-one had seen him go in, had they; he'd made sure of that.

"I'm sure there are other toilets!" he shouted back angrily after recovering from the shock. The minions outside held a hurried, muffled conversation.

"Uh...Orochi-sama? Forget what was said earlier, we'll go use a different toilet."

"Yes. You will." Orochimaru growled at the door. He heard the minions scuttle away and sighed, pulling off some toilet paper.

~oOo~

Eventually, Orochimaru had redressed and left the bathroom, a sense of pride that he'd been able to cope with this dilemma without help.

It wasn't until he reached his rooms that he realised something.

_He _hadn't consciously reached for the toilet paper _or_ used it. The _body_ had been doing the thinking.

He gazed at his hands in shock.

What did this mean? He'd _never_ been in a body where it had retained the ability to do things by itself. Orochimaru got worried, this couldn't be good.

_TO BE CONTINUED..._

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_Wave angel: and ta-da again! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Please, R&R to let me know what you think. I'm also open to possible problems Orochimaru can face, and ideas on how you think I can make it better. 'Kay, I'll shut up now._


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